... now it's bilingual

So I guess a post in English was overdue and I’ll give it a shot. But before I continue you have to understand that English is not my second first language and so there might be a little ESL around the corner. In more than one occasion both me and my friend Carlitos have been faced with a situation where we thought we were being funny and somehow ended up in a bind. Usually it’s not that bad and certainly does not matter among friends. On occasion it does matter and turns out to be quite an awkward situation. I guess that is the reason why when I first joined Microsoft I got handed over a mystery package by my “relocation consultant”. You might be wondering what exactly a “relocation consultant” is, and it’s really exactly what it sounds like. The minute you land on the plane he takes you around town and teaches you a whole bunch of useful things. This includes getting your driver’s license, SSN, renting an apartment, cellphone and even shows you where the supermarket is.

The contents of the package were pretty dull with the exception of one item. My handy guide to the US called “Hello USA!” I would like to personally thank the author Judy Priven for such a great source of entertainment. Krysta was shocked when she read the following tip from the bounty of information provided: “Americans often say they want to “get together” but never call back. If you want to meet again set a time.” It gave all of us a good laugh as we related to the fact that some of our friends from the US actually did that. Unfortunately the book also contains the following tip for women:  “Women do not wear “topless” bathing suits on most public beaches or pool parties”. First of all, I have no idea what a topless bathing suit is and secondly I would actually be in favor of foreign women walking topless around town, even if it was only for the first week after their arrival.

I consider myself to be aware of the way people act around each other and even being PC most of the time, in other words, not ALL the time. Carlitos once showed up at a meeting and when he was asked about the whereabouts of a colleague he tried to clarify by asking “Is he the midget?” after an awkward silence he was promptly instructed to refer to him as little people. I have had my share of stumbles ranging from cursing too much to sounding outright racist. Apparently if you translate what can be a very funny joke in Mexico straight to English you might find yourself in a bind. Forget about all the jokes we cherish down South about other cultures, the opposite sex and race as they will flop and we have all learned that the hard way. After all this you can expect that if you tell me you want to get together I actually think we will. Don’t get offended if I say something harsh as I was probably translating and if I type jajaja I’m laughing in my mother language. Please don’t let me finish any joke that starts with “Do you know how many _blank_ people you need to _blank_” or “What is the difference between a _blank_ and an iron with an extension cord?” But most importantly don’t expect me to let you know that you can’t be wearing a “topless” bathing suit at a public park because in other countries topless bathing suits are the way to go. At least that is the way things are according to Ms. Priven.